Leeds to Sheffield

In Barnsley the top of the Metrodome sticks up above the town like a minaret, calling the population to aquarobics.

Chesterfield to Barnsley

A bright red sign states ‘Beware of Trains’. If you’re not careful some of them might cart you off to London.

Scarborough to Hull

The combination of a wet tiled floor and inefficient footwear meaning you skid into the booking hall doorway like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.

Doncaster to Hessle

The first stop is Kirk Sandall, which sounds more like a fake alias than a village. “Hi, I’m Kirk Sandall… Kent Moccasin… Sergio Espadrille.”

Guiseley to Doncaster

“Would you like me to throw him on the tracks for you love?” offers a man standing nearby. It really is much friendlier up north.

Preston to Blackpool North

Across the carriage sit a decidedly odd couple. They could be an item, but they could also be mother and son. They may indeed be all of the above.

Lincoln Central to Sheffield

Not only has the woman next to me invaded my personal space but she continues to invade my sanity as her iPod plays Lady Gaga’s Poker Face ten consecutive times.